tried making lola's lumpia again and realized my recipe says things like enough filling and roll tightly, which is deeply unhelpful information from my past self. i can explain a procedure at work step by step, but apparently when it's food i expect my hands to have inherited the missing instructions. kept trying to picture where she put her thumbs, not what she told me. my roommate offered to film the next batch so i could compare, and i nearly said no because it felt too serious for dinner. now i'm thinking it would've been nice to have one ordinary video of lola cooking, not a birthday pose, just her telling somebody to move out of the kitchen.

went skating by the lake with absolutely no training goal, shocking behavior from someone who owns this many knee supports. once i stopped trying to go fast i could feel how much of the work was just shifting my weight, one hip then the other, arms doing their own embarrassing thing. wind was cold on my sweaty forehead and my thighs were warm all the way home. took off the pads and found the usual red marks, nothing dramatic enough for the group chat. i like being tired from moving somewhere i chose, instead of realizing at the lockers that i've been clenching my entire ass through twelve hours of somebody else's emergencies.

mom asked how my class was going and i heard criticism before she had even finished the question. gave her the whole speech about my timeline, very mature, very prerecorded. she went quiet and said she only wanted to know if i liked it. ouch. i do like it, and i also want her to be impressed without needing to hand over a finished degree first, which is not a thing i managed to say on the phone. called back later and told her about an assignment instead. she asked real questions. still felt a little defensive, but also glad she was listening, and annoyed that those feelings insist on arriving as a package deal.